A Look Into The Life of a Woman Going Through Divorce — Finalizing Divorce
This is blog #29 of 47 from January-June, 2012. This was a difficult time in my life where I was navigating through my thoughts during my divorce. Now I share them with you. They are the only writings I have left from that era of my life.
It’s a look into the ending of my past life, showing bit by bit what an actual life transformation after divorce looks like.
In my blogs, I talk about my ex, my friends, my kids, my chronic pain (which had intensified during my separation and divorce), my job, dating, losing my first boyfriend, and my first solo trip — to Costa Rica.
I’ve edited some blogs for clarification and discretion. If you‘d like to read from the beginning, you can start here.
March 7, 2012
I got my divorce paperwork yesterday via email. It was an anticlimax to something so long awaited. Within the next week or two, I will be officially divorced! I’ll take back my previous name, everything will be divided as we’ve agreed, and all of my “life” will be mine alone.
As I was printing and reading the document, a set of mixed emotions surfaced, which I don’t find surprising. This was a sense of finality, sadness, glee and remorse. Of course I’m happy that this long journey is finally coming to an end. As much as this is a good thing, I’m also sad. I cared about my marriage very much. I don’t think much about Dave individually, because those dynamics are set in stone. However I do think about the entity of the marriage relationship and how that was not nurtured so therefore did not grow up and mature well, and eventually died. I have regret over this, regret that things didn’t turn out differently with a sense of failure in this. Part of this is because I was not ready to chew what I bit off, and neither was he. But we thought that since we loved each other, that we could overcome all obstacles. Unfortunately, the biggest obstacles were ourselves; our different ways of thinking, interacting in the world and with each other. And towards the end the realization that life goals and core viewpoints were also very opposite. The marriage was destined for failure, and hindsight is 20/20.
On the other side I have a feeling of freedom! I am the captain and navigator of my own ship and I’m able to sail it wherever I like. I feel exhilarated that at last all of those dreams that I have, those life goals, may actually someday be realized. I can go in any direction that I choose. I’ve talked for years about taking an extended period of time off to travel. When I was married this idea was completely squashed, leaving me feeling trapped and hopeless. The Costa Rica trip was my launching, a trip that I had planned in my head for years and deprived of during my marriage for one reason or another. So to eventually take that trip was a very big deal for me. That trip returned to me a sense of independence, self-sufficience and adventure. I’d lost those things in my marriage. I’m finding them again.
The other strange but wonderful thing is that Dave and I are getting along well, almost as well as when we were first married. We talk to each other, laugh and make jokes, and most importantly are problem solving without fighting or animosity. It’s so emotionally healthy and important for both of us. Especially since we are sharing a beach house together. I am pleasantly surprised and so happy for this. I’m not naive enough to think that it will be this way forever, as things in life ebb and flow. I’m happy that for right now it’s flowing.
And today Stuart, our mediator called me to check on the status of everything. I caught him up and he proposed that Dave and I have a get together to do a closure for our marriage. He suggested that it be a ritualistic meeting to symbolize the end of our marital relationship. His reasoning was that when people get married they usually have ceremony to celebrate this, but with a divorce there is a loose end, no closure. It makes complete sense and sounds lovely. Working hospice, we highly encourage our families to do something similar, something personal to help with closure around the dying of their loved one, beyond a typical funeral. I told Stuart that sounded wonderful and that I am all for something like that, a sense of closure with Dave would be very healing. Plus, I love rituals and symbolism anyway. However, not sure that Dave will feel the same way, he tends to feel the exact opposite about these types of things and shies away from them. Stuart is going to ask him anyway. Who knows? Maybe I’ll be surprised.
Either way, I’m going to continue planning my Divorce Party ;)
Thank you for reading about my journey. I write about relationships and self-improvement. If you’d like to sign up for my ‘Alchemy’ newsletter, please go here.