My Frustrating, Anxious, Overwhelming Week

“I’m FINE”

Michelle Jaqua

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Photo by DANNY G on Unsplash

It’s a Tuesday, and I have the day off. I’m three days in to my week, and I’m finding myself on the brink of snapping. Or collapsing. Take your pick.

I figured this out when I took my dog for a walk this morning. It was right after I’d had another frustrating moment with my husband before he left for the morning.

For the past 3–4 weeks, I haven’t had any quality time with my spouse. He works full time, and recently started a handyman side gig. He also coaches on the local high school track team. He has been mostly absent doing one of the above three things. I see him for a handful of hours a week, and that’s usually him decompressing.

I know I need more attention than he does from a partner. I don’t consider myself needy by any means, but I am in comparison to him. He is virtually independent of any emotional dependency. I’m not just saying this, these are words from his mouth.

I also feel guilty for having these internal complaints, because it’s not like he’s drinking, gambling, or cheating. He’s doing the things he loves. I’m happy about that. But still, I need my husband’s companionship.

Needless to say, I spend most of my time at home alone. Well, not exactly alone, I have pets. That’s the companionship I get right now, my dog and my chickens.

I was washing the dishes last night after I ate dinner. Mike wasn’t coming home until later because he was working on a handyman job. As I stood at the sink, I looked out the window and thought to myself, “how would this be any different if I were without a partner?” I decided there wouldn’t be much difference.

I’m feeling very alone, and I’m tired of waiting around to see when my husband will come home to me.

This frustrating feeling of aloneness is coming out in “rude” ways. I’m irritable, make demands, I’m dismissive, and in many other ways, act like a spoiled brat. I pretend I don’t need someone, when I really do. I suppose it’s my way of protecting myself, but it does the opposite; my behavior pushes away the people I need. In the past few days, this is how I’ve been acting towards him. I don’t like myself when I’m this way, but I’ve had enough therapy in my life to be able to sit…

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Michelle Jaqua

Advocate for Women / Owner of Lipedema and Me and The Virago